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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27637013">in which chess makes jonny talk about feelings</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratbrain/pseuds/ratbrain'>ratbrain</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Mechanisms (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Body Image, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Self Confidence Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:34:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,981</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27637013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratbrain/pseuds/ratbrain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonny gets really insecure about his body, and tries to hide that from Tim so he won't bother him. Of course Tim sees right through this and gives him the comfort and reassurance he deserves.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jonny d'Ville/Gunpowder Tim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in which chess makes jonny talk about feelings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>content warnings!!<br/>- mild depression<br/>- severe self hatred/depreciation<br/>- a lot of body image issues (nothing too severe though, but it is specifically related to weight gain so if you are sensitive to that kind of thing this could possibly contain triggers)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It all started with one of his stupid fucking belts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He probably wouldn’t even have noticed it if it had been a normal belt, but no he just had to be extra and make one out of a scrap of leather he’d found, meaning it only had one hole carved into it, and now it didn’t even fucking fit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stared at himself in the mirror and sighed. If there was one thing he did not under any circumstance want to do, it was reflect too hard on his self image. Or even reflect on it at all, really. That never ended up anywhere good, and oftentimes ended up with a bullet through his head. And Tim always seemed pretty upset whenever Jonny killed himself, even if he did come back in a couple of hours. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jonny knew he wasn’t much to look at. Immortality did wonders for bringing you back to life, but little in terms of repairing scarred skin. Some of them were less noticeable than others. The scars on his stomach from getting stabbed (on which occasion he wasn’t sure, because in reality there were many) weren’t too bad, just some thin white lines in different places. But the bullet wounds never really fully healed, and left these disgusting almost welt like red marks across his skin. He tried hard not to think about those. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently immortality also didn’t completely stop your metabolism, just slowed it down a lot.This wasn’t exactly a comforting thought either, as it made him reflect way too much on his own habits. Was he getting lazy? After all the mechanisms hadn’t really been doing much over the last months, so it was possible. But still these thoughts offered nothing but a further spiral into self hatred. He put back the pajama pants he’d been wearing and climbed back under his blankets. Of course his mind told him that he was being a lazy sack of shit and this definitely wasn’t helping his problem, but it at least meant he didn’t have to look at himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jonny?” Tim called a few hours later, knocking on his door. Of course he was, because Tim was sweet and gentle and caring and all the things that Jonny didn’t deserve. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, don’t think like that. </span>
  </em>
  <span>A small voice in his head said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tim tells you all the time you deserve nice things and that you’re not a bother. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But then of course the other, far louder voice decided to speak up, saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>wow you really can’t fucking listen, can you? You just have to wallow in your own self pity like the fat son of a bitch that you are. You don’t deserve someone to be patient with you, you need someone to be rough with you and tell you to get your fucking shit together like dad used to (ew, he’s not Oedipus, </span>
  </em>
  <span>the first voice argued, </span>
  <em>
    <span>or wait in that case wouldn’t that be the Electra complex? Well you are gay so honestly who knows how we’d measure that one.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time he was done debating outdated psychology methods in his head Tim had already figured that Jonny was just somewhere else and went off to go find him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Or maybe he’s going to find someone better than you to hang out with, after all that’s not very hard considering that’s basically everyone else on the ship. Probably better to not let him see you like this anyways, all wallowy. You always were one for the dramatics, weren’t you? Always have to make such a goddamn spectacle of everything. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Tim likes my spectacles,” Jonny muttered, too upset to debate the mental soundness of speaking to yourself in an argument. Tim always said he liked how overdramatic Jonny was, that it made stories way better to listen to and always made him laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Does he? Or is he really just tolerating them like everyone else is? Like right now, you know you’re sad, but do you really have to make such a goddamn show out of it? Why can’t you just get up and go about your shit like the rest of us? Pathetic. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine fine I’ll get up” Jonny muttered, throwing off the covers. He grabbed a white shirt off the floor (making sure it was the largest shirt he had) and a pair of pants that thankfully still fit and he walked out into the hallway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Jonny,” Tim said when Jonny found him in the armory “Check out this new pistol I dug up from storage. I wanted to show it to you before but you weren’t in your room and I didn’t wanna bother you so.” He held up a pistol that Jonny didn’t recognize, and he was smiling so adorably Jonny just had to smile too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nice.” he said, painfully aware that he was doing a terrible job at keeping up the illusion that he was fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything alright?” Tim asked, looking at Jonny with concern in his metallic eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course Tim saw right through him. Curse that man and his weird intuition. Also curse his eyes for managing to look so worried despite being mechanical. And mostly curse himself for not being able to go one goddamn day without worrying Tim and not being able to look after his own goddamn self. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put on his best fake smile and said “Yeah of course, now what’s the deal with this thing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course Tim knew there was something wrong with Jonny from the second he walked into the room. For starters, he looked like a lost puppy too upset to acknowledge its situation. And most importantly: he wasn’t wearing even a single belt. They might have lived together for hundreds of years but Jonny never passed up the opportunity to outdress them all. But when he asked Jonny said everything was fine, which Tim knew was just code for “please don’t make me talk about my feelings'", and he couldn’t exactly force it out of him. So he would be patient, and if Jonny decided that he wanted to tell him he would. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Tim had explained every possible thing there was to know about the pistol while Jonny listened intently, he suggested they go play chess. Even if Jonny didn’t want to say what was bothering him he knew chess would at least make him feel better. And sure enough Jonny smiled as they began walking back to Tim’s room where the chessboard was kept. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were ten minutes into the game when Jonny began to speak. So far Tim had lost one bishop and two pawns and had taken one of Jonny’s knights (who Jonny only referred to as “little horse dudes”). Tim had been wondering what his next move would be when Jonny spoke up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you ever, um, uh,” he said, trying to think of the right way to phrase what he was feeling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I ever...what?” Tim asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you ever, feel, like, uh,” this time the hesitation was longer, “Never mind, it’s nothing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure? You know you can tell me if something is bothering you right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I know it’s just. It’s dumb”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I don’t think so. I mean obviously if you’re uncomfortable or just don’t want to tell me that’s completely up to you, but I would never judge you for how you feel”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You judged me for how I felt that time I said I would punt an octokitten without hesitation” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay I would never judge you </span>
  <em>
    <span>unless </span>
  </em>
  <span>it’s that, but I’m assuming it isn’t”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just. Dyouthinilookpreyey?” Jonny said, the last few words coming out so fast Tim could hardly register them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never mind it’s stupid”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jonny I just didn’t hear you”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think I look pretty!?” He yelled so suddenly that Tim almost jumped back in shock. Tim looked at Jonny, whose face was red with embarrassment as he looked down at the chessboard. “Also if you moved your little horse dude over it would make things a lot better for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Tim didn’t care about that right now. He sat down beside Jonny, gently placing his hand on his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jonny, of course I think that. Why would you ever think I didn’t?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I dunno”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, did something happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jonny nodded silently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you wanna tell me about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jonny shook his head no before collapsing into Tim’s chest, loosely wrapping his arms around himself. Tim gathered Jonny up onto his lap and rocked him gently. He knew Jonny loved being rocked, although he’d never admit to it. He also knew how much Jonny loved having his hair played with, and as he brushed it back with his fingers Jonny let out a small happy sound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But I think you’re very pretty. Gorgeous even.” Tim said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually Jonny pulled himself off of Tim’s lap with a sigh. “Told you it was stupid.” he said with a small laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it isn’t. If you’re upset you’re upset it’s just how you feel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay but also hear me out? Feelings are stupid and I don’t need them?” Jonny said, gesturing wildly with his hands to exaggerate his point. Tim sighed happily. God he loved this fucking idiot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they went to bed that night and Jonny was still wearing a shirt Tim had an idea of what was bothering him so much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jonny,” he said, reaching over to brush some hair behind his ear, “is there a specific reason you think I wouldn’t find you attractive?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jonny tensed up at the question, and Tim wasn’t fully sure he was going to get an answer. “S’ dumb” he mumbled, curling up on his side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling we’ve been over this. Your feelings are not dumb, I just want to make sure that it’s not something I did that makes you feel this way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you didn’t do anything!” Jonny said, as if the very notion of Tim doing something that upset him was ridiculous. “It’s just I-I think I gained some weight and it looks really bad on me and I don’t want you to think I’m gross or anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh darling, is that what this is about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you it’s stupid!” Jonny cried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no that’s not what I meant! Just, do you really think that I’ll think you’re gross over something so insignificant? I love you. I don’t love you for your body, although that is a huge plus regardless of how it looks. I love you for all the shit you do. All your jokes and theatrics, that’s why I love you. I couldn’t give less of a shit about how you look Jonny, just as long as you’re you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jonny’s eyes welled up with tears and he wiped them away with the back of his thumb. “Thanks. That meant a lot.” he knew that was an understatement but it was the best he could do at the moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course. You’re stuck with me forever, no matter how you look. And I’m not just saying this to make you feel better, but personally, I think you’d look hot with a little extra weight on you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now I know you’re just trying to make me feel better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I swear! Obviously I already think you look hot now and would look hot either way, I’m just letting you know my opinion. Not to mention cuddles would be, like, amazing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that all I’m good for? Cuddling?” Jonny said, laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yup.” Tim said, smiling stupidly at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I might just have to kill you for that one Tim.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not if you can’t catch me!” Tim said, springing out of bed and down the hallway. Jonny grinned wickedly as he grabbed his pistol off the nightstand and set off after him. It was going to be a fun night. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Not gonna lie I mostly wrote this because a while ago I spent like four consecutive days smoking the devils lettuce and eating my weight in convenience store food and gained some weight and got super insecure about it so I wanted to project my feelings onto Jonny D'Ville. </p><p>Also please don't ask me how any of these chess games would actually work, I have lost every game of chess I've ever played in my life I just have a weird liking for it despite having no strategizing skills whatsoever.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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